Why the fuck do I even waste my breath on anyone anymore, especially if I’m always in the wrong? I’ve been so happy lately. Its going on weeks that I’ve managed to keep all my negative emotions away, I’ve managed to smile most of the time.

But now, I guess, its wrong for me to be upset? Its not okay for me to be upset when I’m being backstabbed? I’m in the wrong for being unhappy with a situation I’m stuck in?

Somehow I’m wrong for not telling my friends the things going on in my life. No wonder I don’t tell you, because anything I tell you fucking backfires on me. I tell you something I have going on, and you criticize me on every aspect. No wonder I keep my mouth shut. I can’t handle it. 

I’m emotional today, yes. But I believe I have more of a right to be upset than I ever do. Not like any of my friends ask me whats wrong, just say I should stop whining and move on. Not like any of them know why I’m upset, or anything. I just instantly get told to shut up. 

Its not fair. 

Its kind of the worst feeling when you always want to hang out with one person, but they always have excuses. 

Every time. Some fucking excuse. 

I understand if you don’t want to hang out with me, but at least tell me that instead of constantly making excuses, and always saying ‘you’re so busy’ it kind of gets annoying.

You’re not hurting me any less than you would if you just said you didn’t fucking want to. 

“Oh I promise we’ll hang out soon”, no we won’t. You’ve been saying it for years, nothing ever changes.

But thank you for proving this all to me. 

So much. 

I hate this.

I’m the kind of girl that sends the cute texts no one ever replies to.

I’m the kind of girl that will always text you first, just because I want to talk to you. 

I’m that one fucking girl who is way too sweet and I always get hurt. Fuck my life.

She made me feel better by doing nothing, and Britt loves me, clearly all about that babygirl :* 

I’m trying to cheer up. Yes.

if I were high right now. I wish Tori was here, I miss her a lot. She’s my favorite.

But still if I were high, it’d be cool. Last night was insane. I felt like I was just going to die at any moment, but it was okay because I’d die at peace with the world. I can’t wait to be able to understand my mind better. 

Not leaving my bed all night. 

This feeling sucks. I hate seeing you. Fuck. I haven’t seen you since December. I didn’t think I’d be this hurt. Its unbearable.

I can’t do this. 

Fuck.

I hardly dream every anymore and whenever I do they’re so vivid and life like. I’m always romantically involved with someone in my dreams, and most often I’m remembering real events, just in a relationship with someone who was there. It’s so strange. I have notebooks of my dreams filled. I’ve spent hours reading them over and over. I keep finding so many similarities in my dreams. It’s honestly confusing. I just want to sit and talk to someone about dreams all night. Hi. Talk to me.

I actually wish I had interesting things to post here, but my life is boring actually. Things in my mind make no sense, I have a cluttered mind and and an even more cluttered life. It’s unfair, when you think about it. But in just a few months, I’ll be free of this town. I wont have anything tying me down to stay here, but that kinda hurts. To know that what I’ve built after 17 years is just something I can easily throw away. I have no real relationships here that will help hold me back. I’m not like that girl with a life here. I have no long term relationship to look back on. I have hardly any true friendships to hold on to. It kind of hurts, more than kind of actually, a lot more or less. But I still have enough time to try to make the most of the months I have left here. Just going to try to make it worth it.

i havent posted personal posts on here in so long, i haven’t touched a computer in so long, i haven’t stopped smiling in so long.

dis boi is nice & he makes me smile. dawuh.